Grief Support Library

The Ripple Effect

Continued

What you've just done is assess what has happened since your major loss (and I say it this way because I've included death, divorce and major health changes). You've looked at things that may have influenced the severity of this loss. You've evaluated how you have handled previous losses and then you've looked at all the things that have been affected by this loss. This is the ripple effect. It helps explain why death processes are not simple to go through. There is not one of us who has asked to experience the horrible emptiness and pain that come with a major loss.

But we need to understand that the feelings of grief won't hurt us if we face them and work our way through them. Read the statement carefully. We are already hurting desperately. There is no way around grief. We can't avoid it or deny it. We may try, but it will always be there and far more destructive when we attempt not to work through it.

The only way to deal with grief is to face it head on and work through it and come out on the other side. The grief work is hard and we usually can't do it alone. But it is ultimately less painful than avoiding it. We will not forget the person we love. We are not talking about getting over grief. We are talking about working through the grief. On the other side is growth.

What does it mean to grow through grief?

1. It means developing a new appreciation and respect for life and the people who are apart of it.

2. It means no longer taking things or people for granted.

3. It means growth; growth allows us to become aware of our mutual need for each other.

4. And it opens us to the spiritual or sacred dimensions of life.

Sometimes you will feel worse before you feel better. It is safe to say that the first year after a major loss will be… shall I say, awful? But you can come to the end of that first year and recognize that it had some purpose and direction. You survived, and that is a significant accomplishment. You may also be able to look back on new relationships established from helping each other.

The second year is often called the lonely year. You made it through the first year and you may think things should return to normal. But, in actuality, this is the year that you realize how lonely it can be without that person you loved. Or if it is an illness, then this is the year you come to grips with all the things you can no longer do. Once the second year brush with reality is past, you will be ready to start getting on with reorganizing your life. This doesn't mean there is no more grieving. However, you will find that you have more good days than before.

By the end of the third year, you may again have what seems like a setback. But this is actually a safe time to finish work that you couldn't do before. When this is done, the pain of your loss should be decreased to a point where it finally seems manageable.

Where will you be at year four? If you have worked through the grief, you will find that growth has occurred. A sense of confidence and strength will be there. You have endured the worst and lived through it and grown. You are a different person and perhaps even a better person than when you started. Many will find themselves reaching out to others to help them. All, who allow themselves to, will find compassion for themselves and others.

When times get rough through this process, you might repeat this affirmation: (Affirmations are positive statements that affirm for us what we hope to accomplish.)

As I go through this grief, I will also grow through the experience and I will walk in sunshine again.

Resources:

Deits, Bob. Life after Loss. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1988.

Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster Inc., 1994.

Hickman, Martha. Healing After Loss. New York: Avon Books, Inc., 1994.

Peck, F. Scott. The Road Less Traveled. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978.

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Debbie Sims is a Certified Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric Nursing, has a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She maintains a private practice in counseling but her devotion is to her position as Editor for Beyond Indigo an Internet web site for those who are grieving.

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